The role of a stupid divemaster is simple. Kiss as much stupid instructor butt as possible, while making certain that stupid standards of stupidity are stupidly adhered to by stupid students, as well as already certified stupid divers. Thankfully, most YASDO divers have been practicing their stupidity long before becoming certified, therefore both tasks are rather easy.

It is very important for the stupid divemaster to understand and keep up with changes and updates to stupid standards. For your information, stupid standards come in three flavors:

Stupid Standards

Secret Stupid Standards

Double Secret Stupid Standards

Stupid standards are those standards that are given to the stupid instructors in order for them to function properly in their task of maintaining stupidity in diving. Given most YASDO stupid instructors, the stupid standards are written to a second grade reading level, and are very simple to read and understand. Stupid standards rarely use words greater than two syllables long, and use of irregular verbs is frowned upon. This ensures that all stupid instructors will be in the same book (not on the same page, but we try hard).

Secret stupid standards are those standards which the stupid divemasters must know, use, and maintain. This is because the stupid divemaster, while kissing the stupid instructor’s butt, must learn to whisper secret stupid standards so that students do not overhear. This makes the stupid divemaster/stupid instructor relationship one of a parasitic nature, each feeding upon the other for stupidity and growth. In time, the stupid instructor will become so dependent on the stupid divemaster, that they will not want the stupid divemaster to attain higher levels of stupid instruction. When this occurs, refer to the secret stupid standards, chapter three, "Challenging Your Stupid Instructor to a Stupid Duel." Although you can be assured that your stupid instructor reviewed these stupid standards when they were a stupid divemaster, you are safe in the knowledge that all was quickly forgotten as a result of the stupid brainwashing class which must be taken before the rating of stupid instructor is bestowed.

Double Secret Stupid Standards are never to be spoken about. In fact, the author must now commit stupid suicide for typing these words. Please wait while we get another stupid author.

Hi everyone, I am your new stupid author. Where were we? Oh yes, secret stupid standards. Well, we’ve talked about that enough. Now it’s time for the stupid requirements for the rating of stupid divemaster.

Tricks:

Each stupid divemaster must perform a series of tricks for the amusement of the stupid instructors. These tricks will be graded on a score of 1 to 2. All stupid divemaster candidates must receive at least a 0 in order to pass the stupid trick. A 1 means that the trick was done in a completely stupid and incompetent manner. A 2 means that not only was the skill stupid and incompetent, but it was done slowly enough for all students to see the full stupidity inherent in the trick.

Pizza Ordering — In order to maintain the highest levels of butt kissing, a stupid divemaster must learn how to stupidly order pizza. Any candidate who successfully orders the crust, toppings, and bread sticks that the stupid instructor has asked for, and the pizza arrives on time, will get a 0. Incorrectly identifying at least 2 toppings, or a correct pizza between 10 minutes and one hour late will earn the stupid candidate a 1. Adding anchovies, incorrectly identifying 3 toppings, or a pizza of over one hour late will earn the candidate a 2.

Beer Procurement — Stupid divemasters are responsible for providing enough beer for an entire stupid diveboat, including the crew. Therefore, stupid divemaster candidates must learn how to properly order the appropriate brew. The YASDO brand of choice is Old Milwaukee, as it has the maximum urination and fart factors, as well as low cost and high availability. Other beers may be specified by your instructor, but you must ensure that you never procure the type requested. A stupid divemaster candidate who fails to achieve the appropriate quantity of beer (generally _ a keg per person), or who procures the type of beer requested by a stupid instructor will receive a 0. A candidate procuring the correct quantity, but incorrect type receives a 1. A candidate procuring Old Milwaukee, Old Horsepiss, or cold Guinness will receive a 2.

House Cleaning — All stupid divemasters are required to clean the homes of stupid instructors. This is a stupidity perk, and must be completed with due diligence. Any stupid divemaster candidate who cleans the stupid instructor’s home such that his mother would approve will receive a 0. Candidates who set the house on fire will receive a 1. Candidates who call the health department to report violations, leave the television and stereo on full loud, and then set the house on fire will receive a 2.

Equipment Exchange — All stupid divemaster candidates must perform an equipment exchange. The candidate must rifle through the dive bag of his or her stupid instructor, exchanging the candidate’s old, used, and cruddy equipment for the stupid instructor’s nice shiny new equipment. Of course it is shiny and new because the stupid instructor never uses it, having stupid divemasters to do all the work. Stupid candidates who exchange the stupid instructor’s equipment for better equipment will receive a 0. Candidates who get caught while completing the exchange receive a 1. If the stupid instructor doesn’t notice the exchange, or if the candidate is arrested and spends at least one night in jail they will receive a 2.

Other Requirements:

Lost/Maimed Student Requirement — All stupid divemaster candidates must kidnap the stupid open water class during some point in their stupid training. The stupid divemaster will force the students, at gunpoint if necessary, to plummet to the bottom of a cold dark quarry, preferably deep enough to cause nitrogen narcosis. This ensures the students will achieve the stupidity level necessary to pass the open water stupid diver requirements. The stupid divemaster candidate is then to leave the class in the deepest, darkest part of the quarry, rifle through the students’ belongings, stealing whatever looks nice, take the best of the students’ cars and drive home. If the stupid divemaster candidate does not receive a call from the authorities within 5 hours, they receive a 0. Remember, the requirement here is to lose and/or maim students. One lost or maimed student will earn the candidate a 1. Multiple losses or injuries are far more desirable, and will earn the candidate a 2. Extra points if the stupid divemaster is named in the student’s will.

Stupidity Review Tests — In order to obtain the stupid divemaster rating, candidates must fail 5 written stupidity tests. The subjects include:

Spices beginning with the letter "g"

Sounds like "duck"

Parts of the shoelace

101 uses for a rock

Creative paper clipping

Candidates who stare blankly at the page and begin to cry receive a 0. Candidates who have difficulty with the Name:_______ portion of the exams receive a 1. Candidates who furiously scribble on the scratch paper, bite their pencil, kick the walls, and still answer all of the questions incorrectly will receive a 2. Extra points for eating the test booklet and lighting the desk on fire.

Internship — Stupid divemaster candidates have their choice of internships to satisfy this stupid requirement. These choices are:

Speech writer for presidential candidate

Script writer for Saturday Night Live

Buffoon/sidekick for late night TV talk show

Air Traffic Controller for Dumbo ride at Disneyland

Flatulence concentration measurer for Old Milwaukee Beer

Colgan Air pilot on the Bluefield, WVA run

Porcupine groomer at Petsmart

Dan Quayle’s spelling coach

Port a potty cleaner at Haymarket Quarry

Each internship must be endured for a minimum of 5 years. Performance will be based on the Stafford Simpson Stupidity Scale, tested by 4 blind monkeys and a shrubbery named Bert.