The advanced stupid diver rating is given only to those divers who can show advanced levels of stupidity as measured by the stupid instructor. All grading is arbitrary, capricious, and totally biased. This is to ensure that only the highest levels of stupidity are maintained and to insure that only the YASDO certified instructor is more stupid. It is for your own good. You will thank us for it.

The requirements are as stupidly follow:

Deep Dive — Advanced stupid divers must show stupid proficiency by attempting a dive on the Titanic on compressed air. You will be graded on your grace, including how wide your eyes bulge when you panic and bolt for the surface, how much equipment you still have on when you reach the boat, and how far behind you left your stupid buddy. The stupid instructor will not accompany you on this dive. The stupid instructor will be far too busy checking the supply of Old Milwaukee, abusing the stupid divemaster candidates, and barfing over the side.

Wrecked Dive — Candidates must dive when they are completely wrecked. This is accomplished by pirating the stupid instructor’s supply of Old Milwaukee. After drinking at least a case each, the class will then dive, leading to the next requirement of:

Beached Diver — Washing up on the beach is the goal of this particular exercise. Extra style points will be given for those who shed gear and clothing.

Breaching — An important stupid skill to learn is that of breaching. Breaching is used to show the stupid diveboat or your stupid buddy where you are. Given that you may be as much as a mile away from them due to your stupid navigational skills, you must learn to breach as high and as loudly as possible. The technique to complete the breaching trick is as follows:

Dive to 100 feet

Fully inflate your BC

Kick as hard as you can, screaming "BANZAI!"

Pneumatic Harpoon — Advanced stupid divers get to rent the pneumatic harpoon. You must demonstrate stupidity with the harpoon prior to obtaining your advanced stupid diver rating by sinking non YASDO diveboats. Using the megaphone, ask "Are you a stupid diveboat?" If the answer is anything but "yes!" you must take immediate action. Carefully aim the harpoon at the hull of the boat, light the fuse with the certified YASDO stupid waterproof torch, hit the deck face first, and wait for the fun. Missing and hitting another non stupid diveboat is an acceptable completion of this exercise. Missing and hitting the water means you must retrieve the harpoon and start again. Be careful when retrieving the harpoon from beach umbrellas, seaside cottages, police vehicles, horses, or large dogs. Extra points for downing helicopters or aircraft.

Plundering — In order to keep the supply of Old Milwaukee on YASDO stupid diveboats, oftentimes it is up to you, the stupid student, to plunder your own wrecks, and the wrecks created by your fellow students. Once all of the ship or craft’s crew and passengers are in the water, you can begin the plundering exercise. Remember, you may also plunder land based wrecks you create. Bring back cash, credit cards, jewelry, or other valuable items to trade with your stupid captain for beer. If you bring enough, you may even purchase a stupid divemaster candidate for your very own slave for a year. Last year’s price for a stupid slave was the equivalent of two cases.

Navigation — Advanced stupid divers are expected to be capable of navigating to within 5 miles of the boat on an ocean dive, or within 5 miles of the stupid instructor on other dives. Your stupid instructor will likely be seated in an inflatable raft with a parisol, a _ keg of Old Milwaukee, and a portable television. Other cues to help find the stupid instructor include listening for the cell phone to ring, listening for the stupid instructor’s spouse generally screaming something like "get home and clean the garage," or by sniffing the air when the wind shifts. If you find yourself unable to find even the water, use of a YASDO approved stupid dowsing rod is allowed. You may also use a compass, but that method is largely unreliable.

Night Dive — Advanced stupid divers are allowed to make their first stupid night dive. This is a very exciting time for a YASDO stupid diver. Unlike other organizations that require divelights, spare batteries, glow sticks, or other extraneous garbage that only weighs you down, YASDO forbids use of these gimmicks. Your YASDO stupid divelight (remember, at least one million candlepower) may ONLY be used during the daytime. Night dives must be made in complete darkness. This is where you will truly hone your navigational abilities without lame fallbacks like a compass. By the end of this dive, you will have learned how to sniff the air like a pro, listen for the smallest of cell phone beeps, or even the quiet opening of another can of Old Milwaukee. After your first night dive, you will truly be qualified to be a YASDO Advanced Stupid Diver.